Recognizing Domestic Violence inEveryday Life

By Jessica Kates | Aya’de

Working in women’s health, I see the physical signs of abuse. I also see the mental and

emotional signs - the ones that do not always show up as a bruise.

And some of the behavior that concerns me happens right in the exam room.

I have seen men insist on coming into the room with a woman in an overbearing,

aggressive, controlling way. That concerns me because a woman deserves space to

speak freely about her own health, without someone intimidating her or taking over the

conversation.

This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want us to talk about those moments. I want

us to talk about money, threats, damaged property, and what we are teaching our

children about relationships. Statistics matter, but recognizing abuse in everyday life

matters too.

When a partner takes over the exam room

A woman may want her partner beside her during a medical appointment. That can be a

welcome source of comfort. My concern is when his presence becomes something she

cannot refuse.

Does she get to answer for herself? Can she ask for privacy without being challenged?

Does he respect her decisions, or act as though he has the final say?

A partner being present does not, by itself, mean abuse is happening. But aggression,

intimidation, and refusing to respect her wishes deserve attention. As someone working

in women’s health, I want women to have room to speak - and I want us to listen without

making assumptions.

A private conversation may give a woman the opportunity to say something she cannot

safely say in front of her partner. She also deserves care and respect if she is not ready

to disclose anything.

Abuse does not require a visible injury

Outside of work, friends have shared things with me about their dating lives that deserve

more attention: controlling behavior, financial abuse, threats, and damage to their personal belonging.

We need to stop making marriage or a physical injury the threshold for taking someone

seriously. A woman does not have to live with a man for his behavior to harm her. She

does not have to wait until he hits her to be concerned about threats or intimidation.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline identifies extreme jealousy, isolation,

humiliation, control over decisions and money, and intimidation as warning signs of

abuse. These behaviors can emerge gradually and intensify over time.

I want women to be able to ask, “Do I feel safe saying no?” without being told they are

overreacting.

When money becomes a way to control someone

Financial abuse is something I have seen and heard women describe. We need to name

it, because a woman can be working and earning money while still being denied control

over her own life.

It can involve taking her earnings, restricting access to money, punishing her for

purchases, or interfering with her ability to work. The Hotline explains that financial

abuse is rooted in power and control and can have lasting consequences for employment

and financial stability.

A shared budget should leave room for both people’s voices. It should not leave one

person afraid to buy necessities or ask where the money went.

Before asking why a woman stays, consider what options are actually available to her.

Does she have access to transportation? Can she pay for somewhere safe to stay? Can

she support her children? What happens if he prevents her from getting to work?

“Just leave” is easy to say when you are not the person figuring out how to survive

afterward.

Damaged property and threats deserve to be taken seriously

Breaking her phone, destroying something important to her, or threatening to damage

her belongings should never be brushed aside as someone simply having a temper.

The CDC’s 2023-2024 national survey found that 14.6% of U.S. women had

experienced an intimate partner destroying something important to them

during their lifetime. The same survey found that 8.8% had experienced a partner

keeping them from having their own money.

Those numbers put language around things women are already talking about in private.

A broken phone can mean losing a way to reach help. A damaged car can mean losing

transportation to work. Destroying something meaningful can communicate that

anything she cares about is vulnerable to his anger.

And when a woman tells us she has been threatened, she deserves a response that

takes her fear seriously. She should not have to prove that he will follow through before

someone listens.

The statistics describe women we know

The CDC’s 2023-2024 survey found that more than one in three U.S. women - 34% -

had experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an

intimate partner during their lifetime. Psychological aggression was measured

separately and reported by 30.2% of women. These categories can overlap and should

not be added together.

Behind those percentages are women sitting in waiting rooms, showing up for work,

raising children, and confiding in friends.

Abuse can affect people of any gender. My focus here is on women because of my work

and the conversations women have shared with me. Education, a career, or appearing

confident does not make a woman undeserving of help when she is being harmed.

We need to begin this conversation before adulthood

I am especially concerned about how early controlling and aggressive behavior can show

up, including in middle school relationships.

When a boy hits a girl, threatens her, or tries to control who she talks to, adults need to

respond. We cannot excuse it as flirting, jealousy, or something children will

automatically outgrow. Teaching a girl to accept mistreatment as a sign of affection is a

lesson we should never give her.

CDC data from 2021 found that, among U.S. high school students who had dated in the

preceding year, about one in twelve experienced physical dating violence and

about one in ten experienced sexual dating violence. These are high school

figures, not middle school estimates.

But prevention begins earlier. The CDC’s Dating Matters program teaches healthy

relationship skills to 11-14-year-olds. Early dating violence can increase the risk of

later relationship violence; escalation is not inevitable, and prevention matters.

We need to teach boys that rejection never gives them permission to punish someone.

We need to teach girls that they can set boundaries without earning someone’s

approval. Every child needs to learn respect, consent, and how to handle anger without

harming another person.

That means having these conversations at home, in schools, and throughout our

communities - not waiting until someone has already been hurt.

How we respond matters

If a woman trusts you enough to share what is happening, listen before giving

instructions. Ask what support she wants and what would feel safe. The Hotline

emphasizes that survivors know their circumstances best and should be supported in

ways they are comfortable with.

I want women to hear: “I believe you. You do not deserve this. You do not have to figure

everything out alone.”

As a women’s health nurse, I care about what happens after a woman leaves the

appointment. As a friend, I care about what happens after she finishes telling me her

story.

October gives us a reason to bring this conversation forward. Our responsibility to listen

and take abuse seriously continues after the month ends.

Why The Beauty of H.E.R. matters to us

The concerns I have shared here are also why the work of our nonprofit, The Beauty of

H.E.R. Incorporated, matters so deeply to me. Its purpose is to help women and

survivors of domestic violence.

Through this work, I want to help create a community where women can speak about

what they are experiencing and be met with compassion. I want us to recognize financial

abuse, threats, and controlling behavior, and take them seriously before we see a

physical injury.

My hope for The Beauty of H.E.R. is that women feel seen beyond what has happened to

them. A woman deserves the opportunity to rebuild, make her own decisions, and

imagine a future where she feels safe. She deserves support that respects her voice and

her choices.

As we grow this nonprofit, I invite you to be part of this conversation. Share this article,

learn the warning signs, and listen when a woman tells you she is afraid. Helping build a

community that takes her seriously is something we can begin today.

To every woman navigating this: you are worthy of safety, respect, and a life

where you can make choices without fear. That is the hope we wish bring to The

Beauty of H.E.R.

Support is available

If you recognize your relationship in this discussion, you can reach out for support even if

you are unsure whether to call it abuse. In the United States, contact the National

Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit

TheHotline.org. An advocate can help you explore options and plan for safety. Young

people can also contact love is respect at 866-331-9474.

If your device or accounts may be monitored, use a safer device to seek help when

possible. In immediate danger call 911